The Ultimate Jutsu
by Mnsk
Summary: In which Naruto realizes that no matter who the opponent is, he's got a jutsu that'll win. At least, that's what he assumes. Series of oneshots. Crack. Seriously.
1. Chapter 1

**The Ultimate Jutsu - "****_In which Naruto realizes that no matter who the opponent is, he's got a jutsu that'll win. Series of oneshots. Crack. Seriously."_**

**_Deidara of the Akatsuki_**

In a deep canyon at the eastern borders of River Country, two Konoha shinobi were running to keep up with the flying Akatsuki member overhead. Naruto gritted his teeth at Deidara's smirk.

"Calm down," Kakashi instructed, "we'll get Gaara back, I have something that I can use."

Naruto frowned, "is this that weird sharingan that drains all your chakra?"

"Yes - wait how do you know about that?"

"I heard you talking to Gai-sensei about it. You said it was our last resort," he shrugged, "more importantly, there's no need for that, sensei. Just leave it to me. You see, I've got a last resort too."

Kakashi hurried to stop him because, well, this was Naruto they were talking about and a last resort of his couldn't be anything legal. But his student had already put his hands together into a seal, and he instead covered his face with his arms and braced for impact.

"Oiroke no Jutsu!"

Kakashi cracked open his eyes, and immediately regretted it, "Naruto, be serious!"

"I am serious," his student replied, turning a little to show off well-endowed curves, "I'll get him for sure with this one."

"He's too far away! Even if that did somehow miraculously work on someone else that Ebisu-san, he won't see a thing!"

"Sensei, did you forget about that weird thingy on his eye?"

Meters above them in the air, Deidara of the Akatsuki was trying to tear his stupid scope off his face because _the stupid kid was...and damn it the clouds around him were gone and he was starting to feel his nose bleeding and... He wasn't into guys, damn it! He really, _really_ wasn't into guys!_

Kakashi blinked as the giant clay bird fell from the sky, and watched as Naruto leapt up to catch Gaara from where he fell out of its mouth midair. With the Kazekage safely in his arms, Naruto released the jutsu and came down to stand near his confused sensei. They both watched as Deidara and his bird tumbled down into the canyon. When they listened carefully, they could catch wisps of at he Akatsuki member yelling out his orientation.

"Huh." Naruto commented, "that went well. I should do that more often."

Kakashi groaned.

**ooooo**

**This may just be the weirdest series of oneshots I'll ever write (and I'm including my other fic 'Time Travel Fun ' in this analysis). Enjoy the craziness! **

**-INK **

**Review ^^!**


	2. Chapter 2

_Uchiha_ _Madara_

"That is him, I am sure of it," Gaara stated in a grave tone. " Uchiha Madara."

The battlefield was silent. Every soldier of the force quivered in their flak jackets as the legendary shinobi approached with arms crossed over First War style armor. He didn't spare a glance for them, instead focusing his gaze on the Kazekage, Tsuchikage, and the boy who stood next to them with fire in his eyes.

"The armed Shinobi forces," Madara glanced at their forehead protectors. "How strange."

Naruto felt pride stir as Gaara answered him in an unwavering voice. It seemed that it was time.

"It is foolish," Madara commented at Gaara's response, "such a thing will never work. It is in the nature of shinobi to fight one another. Such a feigned peace will crumble soon."

At this, his red Sharingan flashed in his eyes, and the two kage prepared to attack. Naruto laid a hand on Gaara's shoulder.

"Don't worry. I have a jutsu that'll work."

The Kazekage gave him a worried look, "Naruto, you're only a clone. Are you sure you can do this?"

"Yeah," he said firmly, "this jutsu has worked on everyone so far. Except B no ossan. But I have a Kumo version of it that'll knock him out for sure."

"The boy is a jinchuuriki, isn't he?" The Tsuchikage asked, "let him try, Kazekage."

Gaara tentatively nodded, and Naruto grinned and positioned himself in Madara's line of view. He placed his hands into the clone seal. Around him, an army of shinobi watched with bated breathe to see what the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi could do.

"Oiroke no Jutsu!"

There was a flash of cloud, and suddenly Uchiha Madara was faced with an eyeful of alluring, completely naked girl. Every shinobi in the army was either fainting, or hitting their heads on something.

"So~" Naruto trailed, walking up to the reanimation and putting his/her arms on the shoulder pads of that red armor, "free tonight, Madara-sama?~" He'd been learning lots of things to make the jutsu more potent. Ero-Sennin's books could be really helpful sometimes.

The figure stood perfectly still, watching him with contemplative Sharingan eyes.

Naruto pouted and leaned forward, showing off a little more now that all the clouds were gone. He sure was a stiff one. "What's wrong, Madara-sama~?"

"Seven." Uchiha Madara said. Naruto frowned in confusion.

"You idiot!" A random shinobi from the army yelled out, "sex appeal doesn't work on the Uchiha! They're narcissistic bastards who've probably seen better!"

Naruto realized in hindsight that maybe darker hair would have been better. Or maybe a smaller chest, since some guys liked that...He realized this just as Madara's arm went right through his stomach, dispelling his clone in one fell move.

Well, they were screwed.

**ooooo**

**So...this will not be in chronological order. :P**


End file.
